


Bedside Apologies

by 27noir



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27noir/pseuds/27noir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius has never known a time where he has hated himself more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bedside Apologies

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in September of 2011. Thanks to Rei for the beta!

He pleads. He begs. He grovels. He breaks every rule in The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black Book of Pride (and it hurts him, fuck it all, because Black Pride runs in his veins). He says sorry over and over and over.  ~~He' never apologized before~~  He's never apologized before and meant it. Not like this. He’s even aware that Snape, the prick, is awake in the next bed and listening. He's on his knees at the edge of Remus's bed, words tumbling out of his mouth and hands entwined so hard in sheets and his hair he's surprised he doesn't rip something (when he thinks about it later). He's trying to make it right, though he knows nothing can make this right.  
  
In response Remus turns his back to Sirius. No words. As if Sirius isn't ( _so desperately_ ) there. At the force of this action Sirius stumbles backward, tripping on a chair and getting tangled in the surrounding curtains. But he is only aware that his heart is being raked to pieces by his own stupidity.  
  
…  
  
7 weeks, 6 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes. Of barely sleeping. Of only forcing down food because James is watching. Of head in hands and unfinished assignments. A lost quidditch game. More detentions served than all of first year put together. Three attempts to drink oneself beyond reckoning only to be interrupted by James, Prof McGonagall and Filch (in that order). Two more detentions. One full moon.  
  
And finally, abandoning everything and curling up behind the curtains of his bed as Padfoot and talking to no one for days.  
  
7 weeks, 6 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes of Remus not so much as acknowledging his existence.  
  
Sirius has never known a time where he has hated himself more.  
  
...  
  
Sirius knows it's late by the length of the shadows the near full moon casts and by the soft mutterings of quidditch and Lily Evans James produces in his sleep after 2 am. He knows Peter is asleep too, breathing heavy through the curtains. And he knows Remus is awake because even though he hates it, he is constantly aware or Remus. He is aware of the way Remus tugs on the hem of his sweaters. How he rubs his cheek bones when he's tired. The hair falling in his eyes. The sound of his breathing. Sirius wishes he could turn off the awareness, wishes so desperately not to be so acutely attuned to Remus' every movement. Especially now that every movement reminds Sirius that he does not exist, that Remus can live without him. By 4th year Sirius decided that he wouldn't be able to live without Remus. Now he's living near Remus but without Remus and neither of them are dead, but Sirius wishes he was dead so maybe that isn't living in exact terms. This half-living, half-ghost form that he's taken hurts so much.  
  
There’s a rustle Remus moves in his bed, and then gets up. Sirius feigns sleep (not that he needs to... Remus doesn't care) and listens to the soft foot fall across the floor…  
.  
.  
.  
which stops besides Sirius' bed. (Sirius' heart skips several beats). Then a soft shift as the curtains are pulled aside and, after a moment, added weight to the bed as Remus sits gingerly on the edge of the mattress. Sirius barely breathes as he feels Remus touch his hand. Remus is shaking and his hands are hot. It takes a moment for Sirius to realize this is from the nearing full moon. The wolf in Remus always made him feverish.  
  
"Sirius? Are you awake?" Remus' voice is barely above a whisper but Sirius hears every. single. word. because this is the first time Remus as spoken to him in nearly two months. He treasures it, even if Remus is about to tell him what a miserable human being he is. Sirius prepares himself for this verbal assault. It's something he deserves.  
  
"I'm sorry. Shit, Sirius, I'm so sorry." ( _An apology?_  Sirius doesn't understand). "I thought I'd be better off without you. I thought that, maybe, it would hurt less to not talk to you instead of wanting you all the time. I reasoned that that only your absence could mend the ache in my chest. I'm not going to say I can't, because I could, I could continue on without you. I could continue on, lying about one more thing in my life. But it would break me. And more importantly, I don't want to. I miss you so much. I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending I don't like you because it's not true. I hate lying, I hate not telling you the truth. I love you, Sirius. I can't--"  
  
Sirius knows Remus is crying before he feels the tears fall on the back of his hand. His mind is two steps behind his body ( _he’s apologizing to me? **he’s**  apologizing to  **me?**_ ) but he finally moves, wrapping one hand around Remus’ own and touching his face with the other. Remus looks up at him, startled, frightened and pleading. He’s about to say something but Sirius cuts him off.  
  
“Don’t apologize, you prat.” Sirius’ voice is raspy and low from lack of use, and the smile he gives Remus feels foreign on his face. He isn’t sure how to make Remus understand. “I should be… I was such… I deserve… Oh fuck it, Moony, I miss you. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid. But I was and I hurt you instead of telling you I love you. And you can hold this against me for as long as you like, but please,  _please_  –“  
  
Sirius is cut off by the sudden sensation of Remus kissing him. It’s awkward and Remus almost pulls away too suddenly, but by then Sirius is holding his face and they both just give in. They tell each other all the things they haven’t been saying for the past 8 weeks and the last few years.  _I missed you. I love you. I’m sorry I never told you._  
  
Sirius briefly wonders if this is a dream. But then Remus’s skin is too hot for his imagination and they’re both a little too desperate. There’s the small  _thunk_  as Remus bumps his leg on the edge of the bed, fumbling a little as Sirius pulls him closer and further on the bed. There’s the weak stubble on both their faces, and Sirius’ sudden awareness that his bed smell a bit like dog because he’s been sleeping as Padfoot. Small details that tell him this is real. But he holds Remus tightly anyways, like he might just be an illusion, another dream that you don’t know is a nightmare until you wake up and find it wasn’t real.  
  
….  
  
When he wakes, it is to the warmth of Remus’ back curled into his chest and their fingers entwined together. Remus is still asleep beside him ( _beside **him**_ ) and he feels his heart begin to stitch itself back together. It’s not quite whole, not quite healed, but it no longer sits in him like shrapnel. And he thinks  _Maybe. Maybe it will be okay._  
  
And when Remus wakes a little while later, and presses himself to Sirius and whispers his name softly, Sirius knows.  _Everything is going to be fine._


End file.
